I used to say that I'd write journal entries to reflect on the year whenever my birthday or new year rolls around, but I haven't really been doing that. It was also a plan for my family to think of three things every day that make us feel grateful and share them with each other (a way to walk around with a positive attitude and active appreciation for the good things in life, have conversations with each other that are guaranteed to be on a positive note, and to inspire us to create even more good things) but that usually lasts a day or two for the few times we've tried it. (I remembered that in the car when I was driving back from a photoshoot in Battle Creek today. 1. Sprouting Photographer Podcast for long drives. 2. A photo event in November/ to have a thing to look forward to. 3. I can't remember, but it was probably something else related to photography since that consumed my entire day.)
Instead this has turned into a place to write when I feel so sad that I think I can't bear any more things, and look back at all the times I've felt approximately this hopeless and know that there were some moments between then and now when I felt ok. And maybe even if this whole life is just a string of one disaster after the next, there are times between when I'm distracted and forget and feel better and that's enough to make it through the next thing. I've said something just like that before.
It's been a hard year. I kind of thought that it wasn't possible for things to get worse than the last one, but here we are. Sure, there are things that are fine. Starting a business is interesting and challenging. I've been finding more ways to be artistically inspired. My new job is fine. But I have a little picture in my desk of a different direction my life could have gone. Sometimes I forget it's there and open the drawer to get something simple like a pencil and it floors me. One time I put it in an envelope to hide it, then forgot and thought it was just an empty envelope. I addressed it to the water company. When I went to slip the bill and check inside, I found it and for a second I lost my mind. Thought it was some kind of message from something I don't understand. I try to throw it away and I just can't.